so very touching, Paris.
You kissed me and it hurt
but I was supposed to smile and thank you
and keep the bruises hidden like they were a defect
because hurting me was too much entertainment to stop only because of my tender skin
with shameful names assigned at random and words like weapons
like stones thrown at a target who had nowhere to move
it was so easy to convince me I was wrong for doing none of the things you accused me of
but I found myself guilty
and sentenced to hard solitary
it was easier to be with the friends who were invisible
because they never asked the hard questions
and when you left with her
it never occurred to me that it wasn’t my fault…
I understand why you have to say your name in AA
it means something when you say who you are
naming makes you real
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“When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”
~ Oscar Wilde
You were all.
You were all I wanted and all I ever wanted and all I would ever want
and my whole day was spent on plotting and planning and engineering a reason to see,
to insert myself into your reality,
to make myself over in your image.
You were all.
And little by little
I made progress and became a mirror for you,
with a magic bagfull of excuses ready to provide for every occasion,
and a signed, sealed and laminated license permitting
you to stay absorbed in yourself
with a fanbase of one to cheer you on.
The day came and all those machinations paid off,
you were mine to have and hold…
Time rolled steadily on…
now I see without the…
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Source: Alone v/v